Checking In

In 2014 my Momma passed away. It was a turbulent time in my life and came a year and a day after my miscarriage. I was working in the corporate world of medicine and the stress of it all… well something within me snapped. I lost myself in depression and began experiencing panic attacks and high levels of anxiety. At the time, it felt as though my entire world fell apart and came undone.


I speak often of these tragic events, not from a victim mentality or for sympathy. I speak about this time in my life as it was a profound awakening that pushed me toward growth.


There came a day when the love of my life yelled at me with utmost frustration. I have always been a positive person and this was a new phase for all of us. I remember the tears in his eyes when he screamed, “You can’t just give up. You’re alive and that matters…”


Not knowing what to do, but knowing I needed to do something, I turned to a psychiatrist. As is her duty in her profession, she immediately prescribed me medication. However, there was something different about this doctor. While she prescribed the medication as a short term solution, she began having me do other, healthier things. The goal was always to get me to a state of being where medication wouldn’t be needed.


I began taking healthy alternatives: ashwagandha, magnesium, instructed to take thirty minutes a week for an uninterrupted bath, to eat only organic, nutrient dense foods, to go walking for thirty minutes three times a week, and to begin meditating daily. She also had me keep a journal documenting how these things impacted me or improved my well-being. She also asked me to journal something I was grateful for every day and we would go over these journal entries each time we met.


During this time I also began writing professionally. So much of my childhood traumas surfaced. There were moments when I literally thought my mind or soul would break.


Meditation did not come easy. I was extremely resistant and my body would cramp…my mind would race. An old agreement from childhood would arise about how this was New Age and therefore, somehow evil.


Also, not having any instruction made it difficult. I began reading books, watching videos, and listening to CD’s. Throughout this process, I never gave up. I would designate at least thirty minutes to being still in my body even if my mind wouldn’t shut up.


My practice remained inconsistent until about a year ago. Finally, one day I closed my eyes, focused on my breath, and within minutes, the whole world fell away. I noticed immediately and came out of the trance and my mind again filled with noise and chatter.


But, during this two year period, I stopped having panic and anxiety attacks (once I even spent the night in the ER convinced I was having a heart attack – another time I awoke feeling outside of my body. I went into an asthma attack and kept saying I need my spirit to get back in my body or I was going to die – yeah, not fun. Heart racing, palms sweating, and the feeling of impending doom had become a normal part of my PTSD).


I began to sleep again. Not restless sleep, not a medication induced coma…really sleep and I began once more to dream…and not just nightmares…


And I got off all medication under the supervision of my doctor. I hadn’t even realized how numb and zombie-ish I had become. I started to feel…ALIVE.


I still do all of the things my doctor had prescribed but am not always consistent. However, I do (consistently) meditate daily. It still takes me about ten minutes to get to that silent space but my meditations have become profound. There are times I am so still, somewhere between wake and sleep…where everything is love and everything is quiet. There have been profound visions and the meeting of spirit guides… reawakening my intuitive nature within.


Meditation is a practice I recommend for everyone – no matter your spiritual path. To me, it is the same as prayer.


My partner and I have made a practice of checking in with each other regularly to ensure we are feeling aligned, nurtured, independent…and happy within our union. We use this time to express what may be lacking and was is working. It is a practice that has brought us extremely close.


This is also how I view meditation. But instead checking in with a partner – it’s a way to go within and check in with ourselves.


Am I happy? Why or why not?
Am I following my path?
Am I doing what I love?
Am I living in balance?


Self – I love you. I am grateful for you. Lungs, thank you for breathing. Heart thank you for pumping. Mind, thank you for believing…


What is your meditation practice? Do you have one? What techniques work for you? I would love to hear your experience  #rise

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