25 Jun I Will Walk With Giants.
Something inside me has begun to stir. A hunger, an ache, a need. The inertia of the Universe is pushing me forward, blind folded, towards something more, whispering, “Trust me. Have faith.” These traits do not come easy for me. Attempting to silence the noise and demands that tether me to the chaos of life and wanting to drown the demons screaming in my head, I chose to go for a drive.
I did not have a specific destination in mind but as I turned on Highway 49, 5.5 miles from Nevada City, heading towards Downieville, my destination became clear: Independence Trail: the nations first ADA approved wheelchair trail that was completely built by volunteers. The trail follows along the old Excelsior Mining Ditch, winding through forested hills, over bubbling streams, and across wooden flumes that once carried the life blood of hydraulic mining.
As I started walking the trail, I found I couldn’t escape my thoughts. Pushing myself harder, I soon found myself running at a full gallop. Before long, my mind was clear as the only thing I could focus on was the fire burning in my lungs. The only sound was that of heavy breath and the crunching my Nike’s made as they swept over nature. Soon, my body screamed for me to stop.
Sweating the ugly from inside out, I doubled over to catch my breath. Glancing around, I realized the Universe had escorted me to a place of paradise. Along the path, the effects of the severe drought in California were very evident. Many of the once flowing streams were now nothing more than puddles for tadpoles to play. Yet, I was standing in a majestic place. I was exactly where I needed to be. I felt content in the moment. There was a deep hollow of turquoise water, trees with low hanging branches providing shade from the now sweltering heat. I had done my penance and now was my time for gratitude. Valhalla.
Battling my demons, the Universe seemed to provide an answer from within. Here is what I know. I feel compelled to write. I have written lyrics, poems, and love letters. I even wrote a book once; though it was never published. I have tried my hand at all things artistic: I have banged piano keys, sloshed in paint, dabbled with shadows and forms like a child coloring outside the lines, and created crooked pottery. I have learned that photography and journaling are my best forms of expression.
I am very aware that I am on my own Pilgrim’s Progress in a literary and artistic sense. I know this path is right as I have began to see so many parallels in my life. I am meeting like minded individuals who are crossing paths with me at every intersection. I am finding inspiration in everything I see, touch, feel, hear, and taste. My world doesn’t feel like it collapsed anymore. There is resuscitation with each breath and with each word I write. This is my therapy.
I am also very aware (after many, many literary rejections) that I have a different style of writing. I bleed when I write and I describe how I feel. Often it is raw and many times I flow between reality and imagination. I want the reader to be with me in that exact moment; in whatever moment, that I am trying to describe. I want the reader to fully experience it with me. I have been told this can get confusing…
I have been struggling with rejection; inadequacy…
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principals of “A Course in Miracles“)
As one of my favorite authors, Janne Robinson says, “I am not here to play small”… and yet, I must learn temperance and patience in all things. I long to make a living through my art, doing what I love. Rejection is hard to come by but is a necessary process for growth. Perseverance and practice eventually lead to acceleration. These were the answers of my meditation. That through this process, it may get lonely and I may feel isolated but that does not mean there is not greatness within me. I will keep my childlike imagination and wonder; I will ponder the vast unknown. I will go forward with the love and guidance of my ancestors who came before me and who walk beside me. Summer Solstice: I will focus my energy on the next season of my life and establish fresh foundations. Acceptance. I must be open to feedback; even critism. I must be completely open to the process: to learn, to give, and to receive.
Just as I was finishing my meditation and thanking the Universe for this sacred message, I saw a hawk soar overhead. Mesmerized, I felt my spirit soar and rise above me; my wingspan was vast. I am already walking amongst giants.